Grown Up Temper Tantrums

Parenting is hard. And parents sometimes speak to their children with forked tongues.

I have recently had to come to grips with my own parenting style and my hypocrisy in it. My kids aren't easy to parent, but none are I suppose. In fact, for the most part, my kids are normal. They are typical in their whining, their grumbling, their talking back, their avoidance of chores and responsibilities, their disobedience, etc.. Nonetheless, my situation is compounded by two other factors: one kid has ADHD (pre-diagnosed, but highly probable) and the other has a neurological disorder (NF1) that affects comprehension and thought processing among other things. This means that one is often distracted from doing what he is told to do or knows what ought to be done, and the other is not always cognizant of what he has been instructed to do. These factors are issues that ought not be punished, because it isn't always about disobedience as in rebellion, but more often than not, it's related to bio-chemical disconnect. Sadly, anger and punishments are easier than striving for patience and compassion.   

Knowing all this hasn't stopped my wife, or me, or even our almost 15 year old foster daughter from reacting drastically or punishing when we are set-off by these boys. It's even suggested that with ADHD kids, redirection is the better option, because punishments will be internalized by ADHD kids and could stall development, encouraging negative behavior due to it being subconsciously perceived as a means to get needed attention. Negative attention is still attention. I fear that my punitive reactionism will detrimentally affect my kids for worse in the long run.

Anyway, this got me thinking... Why do I take the easier path of punishment and yelling instead of a constructive one? It is expedient, but why can't I keep calm and not take their missteps personally that I succumb to yelling and aggression? It's because I am selfish in my impatience. I want perfect obedience so as to not be disturbed, interrupted, or distracted from what I want to do. I want things my way and so I blow up. 

But think... Isn't this exactly what a temper tantrum is? 

We chide our kids for their outbursts and tantrums, but in our hypocrisy we present the same thing when we snap aggressively. It's no longer raising a voice as an authority, lesson, or control. We basically flip out on our kids in a manner similar to their bad behaviors. We are sending mixed messages. This cannot end well.

As to why, it isn't just because it is the easier path to take, but because we hoard our time and interests. Kids become an inconvenience and nuisance. We don't necessarily think along these terms, but deep down, we want our way and we throw a tantrum the same way a kid cries when told to clean his room and he doesn't want to. 

Bottom line, my yelling and reactions reinforce stress and resentment in me and make me even worse for my kids and they are then likely to either fear me unhealthily or react worse to get the bad attention. Attention is their attempt to reclaim time with me, which is the time that I greedily hold onto. 

Lord help me to chill, not take things personally, and to invest better time in my kids even if it means sacrificing my coveted interests. They should be my number one interest. -- Amen.