Friends Suck; I Do Too

 

I have no friends. 

That isn't entirely true, but my friends are distant, occasional, work buddies that I only socialize with at work, or are mere acquaintances. I do not have a large circle of friends to turn to. My closest dear friend lives in Wisconsin. Other friends were my former colleagues and their families I knew from when I was in the ministry in California. So, as it stands, I have no immediate friendships. 

And you know what?

It's OK. I am not lonely. 

Sometimes I envy my wife's cadre of friends, though I have seen some of her friends come and go in short periods of time. I won't say that they were acquaintances, but perhaps they became so as familiarity replaced the novelty of a vibrant and fresh friendship.

Why don't I have a large circle of folks I can confide in? 

1. Busyness... With full time work, family, home responsibilities, a PhD. program, and so much more, even when I have time, I don't have the energy necessary to maintain friendships.

2. I am a loner by nature. My wife once told me that if she died before me, I should remarry. I told her no and that I was more inclined to become a monk. The thing is, I was serious about that monk business. I am well suited to being isolated. 

But more crucially...

3. Friends suck... Some of the friends I felt closest to abandoned me when I was in my 20s. There are really only a handful of longtime friends that I will always have affection for, though distance and life choices have moved us apart. Beside these, I have lost faith in maintaining any more friendships.

And,

4. I probably caused some friends to leave me alone. That's the hardest thing to deal with. I was probably too head strong or passive aggressive with some friends that I truly loved, including my little brother, so they ditched me.

So, do I want friends? Only the idea of them. I do have people I have relationships with, but I cannot say they are close enough that I'd miss them if we drifted apart. And I do have family, which is a greater driver for me in relationship.

So, when it comes to friends... Eh.