Parenting Regret

According to a recent medical study (see link at the bottom of this post), social media exposure can be hazardous to the developmental health of youth. Listed effects of social media on teens include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Negative self-esteem/well being

2. Cyber-bullying

3.Stalking, grooming, and sex/human trafficking

4. Negative social behaviors, such as over-sexualization, violence, criminality, and substance abuse

5. Trigger for emotional/psychological disorders like depression and anxiety, which can lead to suicidal ideation

6. Disinformation [based on my observations]

One of my greatest regrets as a parent in letting my teenage daughter have a smart phone with full access to social media. I even believe the social linkages she established, including localized communications via texting, contributed to her departure from my household and the dissolution of her relationship with us. 

My kiddo was first our foster daughter, having come to our home after a severe issue in her bio-mom's home. She was with us for two years and was eventually united with her bio-dad, whom she did not know until she was removed from her bio-mom.

Our girl was very apprehensive of her biological mom and would get panic attacks when near her or when facing possible encounters. What occurred at her home that led to her removal is clouded, but when she came into our care, her demeanor and hygiene improved literally overnight and this was noted by her school's officials, who for a long time held suspicions and reservations against bio-mom. 

As for leaving us for her bio-dad's home, she went willingly, and we all assumed safely. She was there for two years and we kept in contact. Unfortunately, because of her rural living situation and her bio-dad's work hours, she was often times left alone to fend for herself and her performance suffered in regular school. She eventually switched to an online platform, which coincided with COVID-19. 

In July of 2021, she came back to us because bio-dad was, let's just say, not who we believed he was. We were broken-hearted for her, but at the same time elated that she was home with us. The first year she was back was good, though not without its challenges. She fell back in line with the ebbs and flow of our home, complete with the normal family responsibilities she had before, like chores and keeping her grades up. It wasn't a perfect equilibrium, but we loved having her home.

Now, when she was with her bio-dad, she had access to things teens often have in our day and age, such as phone connectivity. Not wanting to deprive her of what has become normal teen accouterments, we caved and bought her a smart phone. More on that below.

As time waned, about fourteen months after she came back to us, we were presented with a permanency plan, which she agreed with. We would become her permanent legal guardians (adoption was off the table as the courts viewed her as too old). A month later, we received the finalization of guardianship. About this time, she had increased her contacts with her bio-mom to rebuild some semblance of a relationship, and they entered into a texting relationship. Two months later, the girl's rebelliousness, often fed by strange rationalizations that we didn't want her and that we had some sort of a savior complex as her rescuers (we're not entirely sure this was her idea as it didn't fit her verbiage), came to bear, and she began to rebel from doing her chores and it was becoming harder for her to maintain her grades. 

My theory is that because this coincided with her increased contact with bio-mom, bio-mom might have been feeding her narrative or encouraging her separation from us. Bio-mom has a reported history of manipulative tendencies. In late January or early February of this year, our girl dropped the bomb that she was transitioning to live with bio-mom. She did not discuss this with us, but she believed it so because we allowed her to have a few weekends over at bio-mom's. I also believe that bio-mom saw this as the necessary wedge to get the kid back, despite her signing off on the guardianship just a few months earlier. So much for permanent! Anyway, she has since left our home and we are finalizing the exit paperwork. And we are deeply and irreparably hurt.

So, what's this have to do with social media? Well, for one, I include texting. We had actually intercepted some negative texts our kiddo had in her few rebellious periods, where she referred to my wife and I quite negatively. This was between her and her boyfriend usually. We also read posts that caused us to believe she might be getting into questionable behaviors. Plus, her rebellion and departure really only took off after she began texting with her bio-mom. I fully believe that she was turned against us and that normal teenage angst and apathy against chores and school work was used as a tool against us by those she communicated with. I believe others capitalized on her normal teen stressors to paint my wife and I in a negative light and feed the girl's growing biases. 

Additionally, she would hide away from the family for the vast majority of her last year with us. Much of that time was split between sleeping and being on media/her phone, all within the confines of her room. I know that once she got on TikTok she would parrot people I have seen on the network and she began to question our family's faith with anti-Christian apologetic arguments TikTok is replete with. While it is OK and healthy to question beliefs and discern things and ask questions, which she did, I feel that she was less than critical with the info she was fed from social media. I might even say that this uncritical devouring of counter-culture was a form of disinformation and brainwashing. 

So, in my not so humble opinion, technology and media played a heavy role in harming what was a normal and loving relationship. As a parent, while I didn't want to deprive the girl of normality, normal in this world is currently harmful as the study I referenced shows. My number one parenting regret is in contributing to our girl's degradation by allowing her a smart phone. Smart phone; dumb dad. 

I'll leave it there. 

LINK