Selective Memories and a Broken Heart

 

This has been a hard week. It actually began last Friday, but it has been tumultuous in my household. My fifteen year old daughter, who is not biological nor adopted (I am her legal guardian), has decided that she wants to transition out of my house to live with her biological mother. Unfortunately, this has come with a lot of subversion and deception, as well as a total sense of betrayal for my wife and I. We were caught off guard. I have not yet recovered from the shock.

I won't rehash the totality of what went down, but I will simply say that it hurts and could have been avoided on two fronts, hers (our kiddo's) and ours (my wife's and mine). In August/September we finalized the process for permanent legal guardianship (lots of good that permanency thing was). We were initially hoping to adopt the girl, but the government would only go with legal guardianship because of her age. Her case worker had even asked her if she understood what this was, that it was no longer foster care and was everything up to, but shy of adoption, and she affirmed this. She was asked by us and her case worker if this is what she really wanted, and she stated that she could not envision returning to her biological mom, though she was seeking some semblance of relationship with her mom. We were set, and we received the finalized paperwork granting us legal guardianship and full parental rights in October -- just a short four months ago. Our daughter was here to stay, or so we thought. 

As a side note, about a year ago, our girl expressed her sense of not belonging because we had adopted two of our three kids, but not her. She believed she was a second class citizen in our home, like a form of imposter syndrome, where she wasn't truly loved or wanted. Yet, the fact that she has had a familial relationship with us for 1/3 of her young life and that we went for legal guardianship is testimony to our sincere love and desire for her. Nonetheless, she has seemingly been fighting this periodically by appealing to what she perceives as disregard on our part. It has simply come to a head this last week.

Because of her insecurity, she has spent much of the last year in avoidance of us, hiding out in her room most of the time. We have not pried, giving her the apparent space she wants. Still, she has claimed that she hides away because she feels like she doesn't belong. When she does come out and participate, she is often glued to her phone (a device, had I had the chance for a do-over, I would not allow any child because they are socially destructive). Frankly, we all spend too much time on our devices; it's like we all forgot how to talk with and enjoy each other. This has made communication hard. 

Also, more than a year ago, our girl asked not to attend church with us because of her changing disposition regarding faith. We have allowed her to make her own decisions here and have allowed her to stay home. Plus she often sleeps late on weekends, like many teenagers do. So, as occasionally happens, we have taken our two sons out to lunch or other activity immediately after church, which the girl has interpreted as unwantedness of her,  when in reality it was merely respecting her space and taking advantage of already being out and in the area where we intended to be. On several occasions, we have returned home before departing for a lunch or activity and have asked her if she wanted to come, and she has usually declined. Largely, hers was a selective perception of what was really going on. There are, after all, two sides to every coin.  

Furthermore, since receiving guardianship, our girl has increased her joint counseling and visitations with her biological mom, and within the last month, we have agreed to allow her occasional weekends with her bio-mom. We do think it is important for her to reconcile and develop a healthy relationship with her mom. Unfortunately, with the increased presence of her bio-mom, she has begun to reinforce her desire to leave us. For one, her bio-mom doesn't have to bear the same responsibilities to ensure that she meets her school and household obligations (grades and chores). Sadly, because of the communication breakdown caused by her retreating to her room, the most constant form of contact we have with her is in the short interim periods, which is unfortunately where we have to challenge her on missing school assignments and remind her to do [all of] her chores. To her, this seems as if all we are is like Cinderella's wicked stepmom, arbitrarily making her do things, which is understandable, but highly inaccurate. And because of this, her bio-mom has become what my wife calls a "Disneyland mom," where our girl is allowed for her biases to flourish because at present, she has little push-back from her bio-mom regarding her obligations. For her, it seems as if the grass is greener and she is freer with her bio-mom.   

I also suspect, but I cannot at this time verify, that bio-mom has used the girl's emotionalism and self-induced sense of abandonment (in reality, we are the one's being abandoned. I promised her that I would never abandon her) as a wedge to introduce transitioning back to her. This could have been addressed six months ago when bio-mom agreed to "permanent" guardianship. She could have fought for custody then. She agreed that we would have sole parental rights until our girl was 18. The girl welcomed this then too. This sudden change seems underhanded and cruel. I am very hurt and have not been sleeping well all week. I am depressed and in deep sorrow.

Furthermore, if I could clarify for the girl, chores have 1) always been a part of our family, 2) chores are normative in most families, and 3) in frontier Wyoming, kids often have much harder ranch and farming type chores. Chores are not meant to be arbitrary work given by sadistic parents. Chores are part of a household's internal economy (economia in Greek means household management). We all participate, and often in different ways, for the mutual benefit of all. Her chores have had real necessity, but they were also there to teach her consistency, self-sacrifice (the highest form of love), and self-reliance for when she becomes an adult. Unfortunate for us, her chores have become a point of contention.  

Much of our girl's feelings of being out of place seem to center on these pressures of my wife and I trying to keep her accountable. I have learned that she has even made statements of seeking emancipation (in Wyoming she would need to be 17, have parents' approval, and demonstrate that she can live on her own, with the idea that she would live independently) and that she is nearly an adult, so chores are beneath her. Yet, pushing back because parents are trying to keep her on target is the least adult thing that can be done. Adults get their business done. For her to be seen as an adult means that she needs to act like one. The simple truth is, if she feels pressure and alienation in this regard, it can be easily resolved by staying on top of school work and grades, and just doing what's expected without rebellion. This builds trust and allows the parents freedom from being the perceived bad guys, because they wouldn't harp on things -- there'd be no need to. 

Our girl has sadly exhibited a handful of delusional biases and logical fallacies that she has exercised with her counselor, her mom, and others, which sadly demonize us for merely trying to keep her accountable, on the right track, and responsible. Our intentions are parental, not nefarious. All these logically fallacious biases are forms of myopia. Even after laying out our case, she has given it little reconsideration. Her mind is apparently made up and we are about to lose a part of our family unit, and largely over perception.

The My-Side Bias

One of her biases is called the my-side bias, which is when comments or events are taken out of context through selective attention and then misread to support her perceptions of being unwanted or of my wife and I being arbitrarily rigid. In short, she takes pieces from the whole, but not the whole picture, and then constructs her own picture to confirm her perceptions. It is a form of self-delusion and confirmation bias. It is nearsightedness at its core.

The Fading Memory Bias

Another bias I see of hers is the fading memory bias. A lot of this bias concerns her biological mom.

The reasons that our girl is with us has a history throughout her elementary school years, which culminated in a tragic and severely traumatic event that sadly has a lot of missing informational pieces. Her biological mom was part of this, but to what degree, it's hard to discern with missing information and evidentiary gaps in the case. We simply don't have a complete picture, so trust is a cautionary thing with us regarding her bio-mom.

I told the girl the other day that I wasn't there when what happened happened and that I do not wish to cast aspersions on her mom, because frankly I haven't enough information. But, there is substantial evidence and reports of issues regarding the girl and her well being that have made me skeptical of her mom. Also, our kiddo would often have panic attacks when she had to see or confront her mom, prior to increased counseling and visitation sessions with her mom that we -- incidentally -- authorized (and now we are regretting). Since these visits began, our girl has pushed back and retreated harder and on two occasions of friction, has severely embellished the events to fit her narrative that we don't want her, which is false. What we don't want is her avoidance, subversion, moodiness, disregard, and invented victim-hood.

And, if bio-mom did wrong (even though we are skeptical, we make no hard opinions either way), I admit that people grow and change and repent. It is entirely possible that this is the case. We simply remain ignorant of all that happened and the girl has been reluctant to tell the story in full detail, beyond what claims were originally made, yet lack scientific evidence for. In the end, I just want the girl to be cautious with her bio-mom and we don't want to impute bad motive on her mom, though we are uneasy knowing that there are so many holes that have yet to be adequately filled in the backstory. 

I suspect that with all the current "freeing" and positive meetings with bio-mom, our girl has grown to selectively recall the positives over the negatives, perhaps latching onto nostalgic moments. It's understandable and can be a coping mechanism in dealing with the negative elements, which become selectively amnesic. This is what is called fading memory bias. Her current positivity may be based on pleasurable moments she cherishes with her bio-mom, which are now apparently renewed, but in this process, she may have lost objectivity and caution. I sincerely hope that bio-mom is completely innocuous and well-intentioned, for the girl's sake. I am afraid that if not, or even if she transitions back to her mom and she realizes that her mom has set rules of the house placed upon her like ours, she will fall hard. I fear for her emotional and mental health.

I told our girl a story of my own use of the fading memory bias. In my past, I recall really only one absolute perfect day with my dad, which was a day fishing when I was six. Because of this, fishing has become my biggest hobby in life. In reality, my dad was a recluse, hiding away even from his family, and he avoided his family unless he was drunk. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He abandoned a good paying job only to leave my mom responsible for supporting a family of four on a salary barely adequate for one person. And he had severe mental illness. Fishing was and is my coping mechanism to counter-act the bad memories of my dad. Still, I love my dad, and whatever happened with our girl's mom, good or bad, I fully expect and want the girl to love her biological mom. I just don't want her to dismiss the bad uncritically and open herself up for a potential let down. Hopefully that's a fear that is only predicated on the partial information we have regarding mom. Maybe it'll all be wonderful. I am still responsible for our kiddo's safety and well being, even now as she toys with transitioning.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome is when someone adopts the beliefs or views of someone questionable in their lives. It refers specifically to kidnapping victims adopting the perspective of their kidnappers because of time spent with them. It's like a victim absorbing the victimizer's worldview by osmosis.  I don't know if this part and parcel here, but it could be that our girl is adopting her mom's perspectives on all that occurred, which may themselves be misconceptions, and so the girl has developed a skewed or spun view of the truth. Or it may just be the adoption of half-truths. This may actually cloud her objectivity because of her newfound trust relationship with her mom. I do not know if this is the case, but I am thinking of all possible scenarios.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it looks like we may have lost this battle. Even if she stays, the attractant of her bio-mom might create a potential thorn for us down the road. I suspect there may never again be a sense of unity between us. It sucks! As it is, we have a hard time connecting because of her withdrawal, which has only exacerbated our own retreats. We did not anticipate any of this. Less than six months ago we were excited to be getting our momentary daughter on a permanent basis. For me, I saw this as the completion of our family. And now, this is tantamount to a divorce. It's like we just got married six months ago, received our marriage certificate four months ago, and now one party wants to abandon the other over pettiness. 

Granted, it isn't a perfect analogy, because our girl's bio-family will always be her kin and we intend for them to always be a part of her life. It just seems that she wants to leave us based on perceived irreconcilable differences rather than work things out. And so far as I can tell, it's largely over 1) the attractiveness of her bio-mom in light of our being viewed as disciplinarians, 2) the girl's nearsightedness and taking us out of context, 3) possible sugar-coated invitations from her bio-mom in juxtaposition to the vinegar of our staleness (mom is fresh and we aren't), 4) a misapplied confirmation bias that elevates bio-mom and deflates us with imbalanced perception, and 5) her sense of self-interest and an arrogance that despises perceived pressures we rightly posit regarding her school work and responsibilities.

The truth is, how can we fight against bad information? We can't, unless she really wants to consider our arguments. She is emotionally responsive here, so an intellectualizing of things is a distraction. We do not compare to the levity of her bio-family, who currently have no legal obligations to enforce any sort of rules. When the grass is greener, a fifteen year old is more likely to respond emotionally than critically. I get it. I don't blame her. She is still a kid and this looks like the path of least resistance. 

Also, she once accused us of trying to buy her love, yet when we haven't gotten her what she wants or what she wants on her timeline, her mom and/or mom's ex (her brother's bio-dad) have surprisingly purchased that item. It has caused me to wonder, who is really trying to buy or secure her love? That may be too much... That may not be their intention at all, but our girl surely knows how to manipulate the system in her favor. This is no different. She is manipulating the idea of transitioning and has put a wedge between her and us that I cannot see a way of rectifying. 

If her departure will be better for her mental and emotional well being, then I will let her go with a broken heart. I am simply afraid for her future and don't want her to rush things just because she currently has the "feels" for bio-mom and disdain for us. Her vitriol and push-back against us will never change my heart for her. I will always love her as my own. I had hoped to one day walk her down the aisle should she choose to marry (a daddy daydream). I guess that has been dashed. 

Her leaving may also be beneficial to our familial mental and emotional health, because it has been obnoxiously stressful in trying to navigate her waters without too much invasiveness.  We could have called her to the mat on so much that we actually let go to keep the peace, precisely because we don't want to be helicopter parents, though she perceives us this way anyhow. 

And, even though we may find emotional relief (not guaranteed for any of us), we would never use that as the primary reason to be rid of her. We never wanted to be rid of her and because of our love have ridden this storm the last several months. Whatever she feels, wherever she goes, and whatever she does, she will always be our daughter, even if she views us no longer as her parents. It's sad, but it's true. I sadly suspect that when she does leave us, we will become yesterday's news.

With a broken heart and a heavy head, I yield to this, though I desire none of it.